Moments in my Life.

Whenever someone asks me what I can remember of my childhood, what the happier moments of my childhood were with my parents, I can't think of any. Those are the first and only stand-out memories of what growing up was like to me.

And those memories really seem to show what two of my main outlooks/observations on my life seems to be; one, there's always someone or something preventing me from doing what I want, what I need to do, to be happy, to be free, and any time I try to ask for help, I just get ignored as if I didn't exist. When I finally give in and accept my fate, it all gets thrown in my face and I get berated for not trying, when in reality I've done all in my power, all that I know how to do, to get where I wanted to go, to get something better for myself, and two, that everything I try and do to make things better, to get some kind of happieness and comfort, always gets thrown back in my face. Everything that I ever do to be happy somehow finds a way to be warped, perverted, and turned on me, so that everything that I enjoy becomes a constant reminder of just another way that I've failed at being better.

I started to try and put together why I'd written that, what I could have been thinking about. I went to thinking mostly about the last bit about my parents and how I felt growing up.

I wonder through the world

No meaning in life

My mind is driving me insane

The hurt I've kept all years

So much want it to end

Don't want to live with this pain

I cannot follow through

As the down exceeds the joy

Provide my mind with a cure

As I need to get my high

The juice to help me fly

Is the cause of my sorrow and my pain

Oh god please let me go

Let me leave the misery

I'm so tired in my head

Can't keep on living like this

Cause I have no life you see

I shall end my own misery

When you put everyone else first, you end up last.

For years now, I've always thought, always believed, that the only reason I had to be alive, was so that I could suffer. It's like I'm the punchline to some cosmic joke; like the only reason I have such a complete and total dissbeliefe in god and religion, is because I'm trapped in hell, and it'll be that much more fun to whoever runs things when I find out that my beliefs are wrong, and that once more everything I believe in and everything I trusted is pulled out from under my feet.

People always say "you have to love yourself before you can love another"

What if you've never really known love? What if you were nothing but hated and unwanted by those around you unless you were helping them, or if you could be used to make them feel better about themselves?

I've always been there for people; for my friends. Like that footsteps in the sand story, whenever someone I know is at their lowest, I help them, I do all in my power to make them better, irregardless of how I may feel or what I may want to do. I've kept people from commiting suicide, more than I can even remember. I've been there to help people too fucked up to get home when they were vulnerable and easily taken advantage of. I've been there at the lowest times in the people I'd cared about's lives, helping them through and trying to give them something to look forward to.

What do you get rewarded with for that? For being a good, loving person?

You get stabbed in the back by the friends you kept from killing themselves. You get thrown out like a garbage bag when you have a problem and need help. When you confess something to the person you love about something in your past that's been haunting you for years and dissgusts you about yourself, looking for someone to help make you feel better, someone to talk to, to give you the same kind of hope that you try to give them, they turn on you and want to walk away; they turn and want to go throw away everything you've tried to build up and help them with.

And you're the kind of idiot who puts all of your problems and worries aside to follow them and make sure they don't go and do something stupid.

All of my life, I've been there for people when they've been at their worst, the lowest they could possibly get, when they've needed someone to be there for them more than ever before, because I never want anyone to feel like I feel; alone, unwanted, useless, hated, rejected.

can't love myself, because I've never felt loved without having a back turned towards me when I need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to me, a hug when I need one. I'm always the one that's there for people, the one that's strong, the one that helps people out and cheers them up when they need it, and when I need the help, when I'm vulnerable and desperate, it's like people don't believe me that I could possibly need help. Like I'm so strong for them, that I can't be human and weak, just like they are.

I've spent so much of my life being strong for others so that they wouldn't feel unwanted and alone like me, that I don't know how to be strong for myself anymore. I *can't* be strong for myself anymore.

Can't love myself for who I am, because I've never felt worth loving.

When I need someone the most, all I ever get is rejected, walked away on, or used and manipulated. So I lock it all away. I isolate myself, I stop trying to show emotion, stop trying to feel, to love, to care.

So many times I wish I could just kill myself to end everything. I just want all the pain, all the sadness, all the empty and nothing that I am to go away. But I can't do it. I want to die, but I don't want to die alone. I don't want to die un-loved.

It's an interesting paradox, when the only reason you have left to live, is because you're looking for a reason to live. I want to die because I'm so alone, but I don't want to die alone. I want to die because of how insignificant I feel, but I don't want to die insignificant.

Realization

What do you do when you realize that this may be it?

You make up scenarios in your head to make it ok and make the next year seem tolerable but what if these predictions dont happen?

Maybe it is time to actually see the bad and not only the 2 percent of good.

Maybe it is time to take a stand and not deal with constant lies and deception.

Maybe it is time to stand by my morals and follow every rule I used to follow rather than continue to break every rule I once held sacred.

I judge others on their actions but allow a certain one to affect my life with his absolute disregard of consequence or feeling.

Maybe it is time to use everything I have and be strong, and maybe I just realized it.

Proof

Proof.

I guess that is all I needed.

Without solid evidence nothing really is real.

It all exists in imagination until it is presented in real form before your eyes.

Without proof excuses can be made.But what now?

What do I do? What do I say? Why is all of this so hard?

At least I see that everything I ever believed was a lie and some people cant be trusted and never ever change, ever.Its a shame really.

I guess everyone has at least one heart ache in their lives.

Maybe, this is mine.

Whitby

As I rushed to my Mathematics class I ran into an old high school class mate Aniket.

Out of my graduating class he was the only other person I had hung out with that went to spmeone.

We never even hung out once in University.

Today he was standing with another old high school mate, the likes of Ishita.

We had never been friends but shared friends.

The fake tanned headed, faked nailed ex bitch seemed shocked to see me.

This encounter made me realize just how different I am to how I was.

I think this is a good thing but I know some people beg to differ.

It just seems like not too long ago I was sitting in the caf during spare at Harsh eating burger after burger.

Has it really been three years since I wore a uniform?

Three years since I searched the halls for a Bird sighting?omg.

Time does fly. Why is there not enough time to do everything we want?

Why are we cursed with the necessity to sleep?

Why haven't I been productive with my youth.

Maybe I am just destined to feel unsatisfied always.

Or Maybe iam just a Loser.

Two Hearts

All through growing up I always thought that I would find that person at a young ago and live happy forever.

Thing are never that simple it seems.

I went through a phase of not caring about long term because you can never tell what lies around the next corner.

This is so true but I can't help wanting to feel close to certain people for long priods of time.

I have always struggled with having different parts of me appealing to different people.

I have reached that point once again but this time it is strong on both sides.

I love***** with all my blind heart and I love Nick with all that's left of my youth.

It's like I want to be two different people so I can be with both of them.

Doesn't matter anyways, I've lost them both, one due to his blindness and fear and the other because of his fear of happiness and the hurtful words of my best friend.

I know I'll move on eventually but right now even moving is work.

Trust

How is one to know?

Everyone has lied about things before, some more serious than others.

When it comes to relationships I dont think I have made the best decisions I could have.

I know I've been better than alot of people I know, at least I can say that.

I believe in the stength in monogomy, and want to prove to myself that I can handle that responsibility of resisting temptation.

I want someone to believe I can do something without a shadow of a doubt in their minds.

I've slipped up in the past to get something I dreamt about for so long.

I try to lie to myself and say it never really was bad technically due to situation but its not true. I was no better than the next infidel.

I just want to live up to the ideals I expect from everyone else.

I want to trust someone to trust me.

The random things I think about...

Every day I wake up and it's the same old shit
I feel dead to the world and I just wish I could quit
And take an exit stage left that I won't live to regret
And finally end this existance that I want to forget.

'cause I'm tired of waking up alone in the dark
and crying every time I go out for a walk
and every time I sit quiet and look lost in a thought
It's 'cause dying seems so much easier than trying to talk.

And anyways, who wants to listen to someone depressed
That's got so many demons that he must be posessed
Who used to take a razor every time his stress manifest
And he would only feel better after he'd cut open his chest.

That's the kind of crazy fucker that you lock in a cell
With a straight-jacket on and throw the key down a well
And you don't even open the door once his corpse is starting to smell'
cause you think that just saying his name can damn you to hell.

But it's not my fault, it's just the way I was created
By a couple of ******* who were always innebriated
That used to beat on me and tell me I was hated
There's not a moment in my life that I was ever appreciated.

Saving me

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth savin' me

Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh, I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like

To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
And say it for meSay it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth savin' me
Hurry I'm fallin'
yeah, yeah

And all I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth savin' me
Hurry I'm fallin'

And say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth savin' me .

Another life~

The sound of the water flushes through my hearing as I look up at the sky on this cold day. I walk alone in a straight line as though intimidated by the silence of nothingness. A stream of times to come. My mind is wobbling back and forth in pain as bolts fly into my skin, stinging with the nothingness. The mind. The killer. The mind killer.

I wake up in silence. Scared as gaia. As it looks into my mind, I notice nothing, but sence a presence. Where? Why me? How does one choose the master. How does one choose god, and what am I? Thoughts, machines, nothingness. Yet I do not notice that I am special in all ways. i am myself, and that is the only thing no one can take away from myself. As much as the sark side tries, it can never get to my presence.

It's trying to control my mind. Control me. I have to fight back but it is hard. Only a master can do it. I am a master. We all are masters. How do I fight what I cannot see? It seems impossible. Love.. Love.. Love.. I heard in stories. You think love and the world will get better? Wrong. I try, nothing happens. It's getting stronger every second. Nothing I do will stop it. It's eating me alive and I am not dying.

As I slowely come to my knees, I see a sighting. but I am not there. Do some die to free the sector, the mind, the...

There it is a vission of myself. Not in this world. How is this possible. New dimentions. Everyone walking as a group. As one. As that vision blurs out I scream over and over again. I see it! The vision of life.

Intoxicated Revelations

We live in self-made worlds created by our own psychological understanding of life. Or maybe that's just my own understanding of life, whatever, the point being that we go about our day to day lives, with out realizing that everything around us is a tool, no, not a tool, but part of a pattern. Everyone you come in contact with, even people you just make eye contact with. They all weave into this pattern, this one unique pattern that every individual has and contributes to.

If you make yourself aware of this, if you can drown out the back-round psychobabble of your mind, and tune in using your feelings, your instinct, and a self confidence that you know what your doing is right and possible, you can feel this continually changing pattern of others wills and feelings, of your own will, interacting and reacting to this "pattern". And if U do all this, if you manage to get this far, you can change the weaving of this mental, living, breathing human connection between all of us. U can shape it with your own will, words and thought, shape it into something positive, or whatever the present vibe demands.

Its like sitting in a room with a bunch of people who are fucked (better to be fucked because then others in the room, including your self, seem to be more perceptive sub-consciously to the general feeling of the vibe that's taking place between you and them). So yea, sitting in the room with whoever, wherever, and making everyone feel good about themselves just because your concentrating about feeling good about Yourself, and then moving that self-determination into line with whatever the vibe in the room is, and then overtaking it. Making your feelings, your will, the will and feeling of the room.

If you're alone with just one other person, you can go even deeper. U can experience real and unquestionable bonding, regardless of gender, or age, or belief. And if that person really lets go, opens her or himself up to you, you can love each other's souls. Then you can turn towards them, look into their eyes, look through the windows into their heart, and say, well, to quote a perceptive man, "I can see through you, see to the real you".

Thing is though, trust whoever you might try this with, cause you can find beautiful things in side the human heart, compassion, love and understanding. But you can also see dark things, insecurities, fears. forgotten lies. And its really tuff to reveal one without the other, that's why, do this with a trustworthy friend, a person who understands that absolutely know one is perfect. Someone who would never judge you because of those imperfections. A person (and yes, I know its hard to find, but if it were easy, if you could do this with any stranger off the street, I believe that it wouldn't be anywhere as true, as real). But a person who realizes and overstands the fact that only by facing and challenging those imperfections, can we ever find true spiritual bliss. Only then, by looking into the true colors of someone else, can you see and understand the colored shades of your own soul.

Welcome to my world!

I welcome you,

Welcome to my world,

This world to which I am stranded,

Welcome to my life,

This life which holds me down and suffocates me.

This is my burden, my pain.

How I love you,

How I look up to you my savior,

My angel...My guardian.

Beyond all pain,

Lies my suffering

And beyond all this suffering lies pure emotion,

The soft, vulnerable part of that is eating me away.

I burn,

I bleed,

I'd do both for you,

To save you.

This is my pain,

That which burns through my skin,

Yet cuts like a knife...

I feel the blade tear from the inside out.

Set me free,

Let me go,

Please let this end, let this be the final stand.

Set my soul to the skies.

Crystalline tears run down my skin,

like shards of glass, they cut,

Tear the skin,

And burn-oh how they burn.

Will you be the one to save me?

Can you set me free, and end this suffering?

To many a person I have spread this pain,

And many more have felt such wrath.

No one deserves such despondency,

No one deserves such torment,

So end it I shall,

Take my own to save theirs.

Tears fall,

A waterfall of crystals,

each shattering upon impact,

-Danger

I take this blade that burdens me,

Tear through flesh unaware,

Watch the crimson water flow and stain the ground

-It is over

-Punk!

Why everything Sucks

Why everything Sucks

Well, it just does.


But only because we make it that way.


Really, it doesn't, it's always changing, that's the beauty of life if something bothers you you can change it, or at least try to...

i'm trying so hard not to let the world get me down and, i think, i 'll be ok.


Come on, even an old rascal like me deserves to have his exile end some day, to come home, to live free in his own city...

it's difficult to share with you.

I want to go home, but it doesn't exist anymore, maybe that's one of the saddest things about life so many places you can never go back to, so many things only existed once for a second perhaps, a look, a feeling, a mood. What do we do when these things are gone?

Memories were meant to fade...

There are many ways to look at the past.first we can look back and feel a sense of longing for those times, to want to relive them, to feel as we did when we felt then,secondly we can look back at the past and feel a certain sadness and think that things could never ever be again as good as they were...

However
there is a third way
we can look back at the past and say 'i wished it to be that way'

Some people think because we don't succeed at one thing we don't succeed at anything, this is polarized thinking and should be discouraged.

The momment that you feel yourself against me, you have misunderstood me, you have to suffer from the same passions as i do.

If i told you that i knew the future would you believe me?probably not,such is the way of cassandra syndrome...

One day death and i will meet,who can say who will triumph...

Waiting

How do you explain to someone what you imagine in your head without totally scaring them away?

Why does my mind imagine things one way when reality is so far off from that?

Is it just wishful thinking or a way to set myself up for secretly craved heartbreak?

I just dont understand how I can lay things out so perfectly in my head when I know that isnt how it is or how it will ever really be so why don't I stop this nonsense?

I really dont know cause all it's really doing is torturing me. I know one day I will give up my homemaking true love fantasy and hopefully become a workaholic instead.