Changing a person

Is it possible to teach someone how to love you? Is it possible how to successfully train someone to be your friend? The answer to these questions should, and most of the time is; you shouldnt have to make someone treat you better, either they will or they wont. I agree but most people I come across dont pay me the same coutesys and considerations that I pay them. Move on I'm told. Where exactly? I really dont know. To another place to find just more of these people? It seems I have lost, or rather they lost, the three more important people in my life besides my family. ****, Nick and *******. Its not their fault. I have my expectations which I base on my own actions, and when they are not met I feel let down, usually followed by these people moving further and further away. Even though you can't choose who you love, you also can't make people love you and that hurts even more.

Snow Globe

Do you ever feel like you are standing outside of your life and watching it or how you wish it would be?

I see my life one way and I stare at it in a snow globe placed in my cupped hands.

Everything seems so pleasant, just the way I like it. Really this is not my life.

Not even comparable. I am grateful for all the things I have and all the experiences I've encountered but is inner happiness even fully attainable?

I know I have come a long way from my days in grade 10 of daily tears but I just long for completion.

I remind myself that life is not a goal with a prize at the end, it's a journey to enjoy along the way.

It feels like I am waiting and working for something that I'm already blind to.

Maybe in my dreams I will shake the globe so things don't seem so perfect after all.

Exile

As dusk comes to fall, I see myself asleep on the floor looking upwards. The sky is sparkling with millions of colors and it amazes me that this world that I lived on is capable of making such spectacular visions. As the colors meld in my mind, I slowly fall asleep, never to be seen again.

Opening my eyes, I feel lonely. I look up and I am in exactly the same position as I was in before. The sky has darkened and now is pretty much black. I try to move but a force-like magnet is keeping me in this position. I struggle, but nothing seems to work. Will this be my death? Why am I here? How do I get up are some of the questions I ask myself.

A faint noise slowly starts to become visible to my ears. It sounds like a thumping sound but I can't quite get its exact reason of being. As I push my head to the side, I see myself walking away from me. The image is starting to blur but that thumping noise is getting louder. Static fills my mind. Everything I know is being pumped out of my being, and into the space around me. The images of my exact position are starting to scramble. Noises are becoming more powerful to me as I begin to lose my vision. Again I try to get up, but I am pushed right back down by an unknown force. This is the beginning of my end...

Totally blind now, I realize that I am being scanned. Thump, Thump, Thump, pulses of energy zoom through me, stealing everything I know. Slowly and painfully, I am becoming a piece of dust in our universe. My mind is going; I could feel it. Not knowing anything about where I am or how to speak I close my eyes and wait for the final death to come. Then, all of a sudden I am gone. Nothing more then a body on the floor. Hopeless, finished, dead...

I am dead in a sense, but my other beings still live in a higher dimension. I have been exiled from one life but no one will ever destroy my being. We live in an infinite universe and nothing will stop me from living.

Iam Alone

My delusions take me further.

Why am I alone?

I cannot create the world for someone else.

I cannot make another believe in this fantasy world, it’s mine, bittersweet in my beautiful solitude.

Every mundane form that occupies my space is god and I live in heaven on earth.

The cold air freezes my tears to my cheeks; diamonds, the heaviness in my heart is manifest in precious gems.

And each tear is exquisite, and my cheeks are rosy from the winter air… my face is painted by the wind and by my heart, the wind and my heart are inseparable.

What are the chances that I can survive in my disillusionment?

Today I feel like I could die, from neglect, isolation …the purple haze in my head.

-Punk!