Time of your life

Pip - Time Of Your Life

Moments in my Life.

Whenever someone asks me what I can remember of my childhood, what the happier moments of my childhood were with my parents, I can't think of any. Those are the first and only stand-out memories of what growing up was like to me.

And those memories really seem to show what two of my main outlooks/observations on my life seems to be; one, there's always someone or something preventing me from doing what I want, what I need to do, to be happy, to be free, and any time I try to ask for help, I just get ignored as if I didn't exist. When I finally give in and accept my fate, it all gets thrown in my face and I get berated for not trying, when in reality I've done all in my power, all that I know how to do, to get where I wanted to go, to get something better for myself, and two, that everything I try and do to make things better, to get some kind of happieness and comfort, always gets thrown back in my face. Everything that I ever do to be happy somehow finds a way to be warped, perverted, and turned on me, so that everything that I enjoy becomes a constant reminder of just another way that I've failed at being better.

I started to try and put together why I'd written that, what I could have been thinking about. I went to thinking mostly about the last bit about my parents and how I felt growing up.

I wonder through the world

No meaning in life

My mind is driving me insane

The hurt I've kept all years

So much want it to end

Don't want to live with this pain

I cannot follow through

As the down exceeds the joy

Provide my mind with a cure

As I need to get my high

The juice to help me fly

Is the cause of my sorrow and my pain

Oh god please let me go

Let me leave the misery

I'm so tired in my head

Can't keep on living like this

Cause I have no life you see

I shall end my own misery

When you put everyone else first, you end up last.

For years now, I've always thought, always believed, that the only reason I had to be alive, was so that I could suffer. It's like I'm the punchline to some cosmic joke; like the only reason I have such a complete and total dissbeliefe in god and religion, is because I'm trapped in hell, and it'll be that much more fun to whoever runs things when I find out that my beliefs are wrong, and that once more everything I believe in and everything I trusted is pulled out from under my feet.

People always say "you have to love yourself before you can love another"

What if you've never really known love? What if you were nothing but hated and unwanted by those around you unless you were helping them, or if you could be used to make them feel better about themselves?

I've always been there for people; for my friends. Like that footsteps in the sand story, whenever someone I know is at their lowest, I help them, I do all in my power to make them better, irregardless of how I may feel or what I may want to do. I've kept people from commiting suicide, more than I can even remember. I've been there to help people too fucked up to get home when they were vulnerable and easily taken advantage of. I've been there at the lowest times in the people I'd cared about's lives, helping them through and trying to give them something to look forward to.

What do you get rewarded with for that? For being a good, loving person?

You get stabbed in the back by the friends you kept from killing themselves. You get thrown out like a garbage bag when you have a problem and need help. When you confess something to the person you love about something in your past that's been haunting you for years and dissgusts you about yourself, looking for someone to help make you feel better, someone to talk to, to give you the same kind of hope that you try to give them, they turn on you and want to walk away; they turn and want to go throw away everything you've tried to build up and help them with.

And you're the kind of idiot who puts all of your problems and worries aside to follow them and make sure they don't go and do something stupid.

All of my life, I've been there for people when they've been at their worst, the lowest they could possibly get, when they've needed someone to be there for them more than ever before, because I never want anyone to feel like I feel; alone, unwanted, useless, hated, rejected.

can't love myself, because I've never felt loved without having a back turned towards me when I need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to me, a hug when I need one. I'm always the one that's there for people, the one that's strong, the one that helps people out and cheers them up when they need it, and when I need the help, when I'm vulnerable and desperate, it's like people don't believe me that I could possibly need help. Like I'm so strong for them, that I can't be human and weak, just like they are.

I've spent so much of my life being strong for others so that they wouldn't feel unwanted and alone like me, that I don't know how to be strong for myself anymore. I *can't* be strong for myself anymore.

Can't love myself for who I am, because I've never felt worth loving.

When I need someone the most, all I ever get is rejected, walked away on, or used and manipulated. So I lock it all away. I isolate myself, I stop trying to show emotion, stop trying to feel, to love, to care.

So many times I wish I could just kill myself to end everything. I just want all the pain, all the sadness, all the empty and nothing that I am to go away. But I can't do it. I want to die, but I don't want to die alone. I don't want to die un-loved.

It's an interesting paradox, when the only reason you have left to live, is because you're looking for a reason to live. I want to die because I'm so alone, but I don't want to die alone. I want to die because of how insignificant I feel, but I don't want to die insignificant.

microcosm

intrinsically twisted;
vines - my mind,
elvish brain.

fairies neurotransmitting;
molecular agency
secret selves.

my body is a comedy;
infinite actors
a colorful chaos.

even my dealer tells me that i'm always smiling.

grasshopper legs;
synchronicity technology
absurd and real.

i don't know any doctors and i feel better.

urban rainforest;
third eye probable
city of my mind.

Realization

What do you do when you realize that this may be it?

You make up scenarios in your head to make it ok and make the next year seem tolerable but what if these predictions dont happen?

Maybe it is time to actually see the bad and not only the 2 percent of good.

Maybe it is time to take a stand and not deal with constant lies and deception.

Maybe it is time to stand by my morals and follow every rule I used to follow rather than continue to break every rule I once held sacred.

I judge others on their actions but allow a certain one to affect my life with his absolute disregard of consequence or feeling.

Maybe it is time to use everything I have and be strong, and maybe I just realized it.

Proof

Proof.

I guess that is all I needed.

Without solid evidence nothing really is real.

It all exists in imagination until it is presented in real form before your eyes.

Without proof excuses can be made.But what now?

What do I do? What do I say? Why is all of this so hard?

At least I see that everything I ever believed was a lie and some people cant be trusted and never ever change, ever.Its a shame really.

I guess everyone has at least one heart ache in their lives.

Maybe, this is mine.