When you put everyone else first, you end up last.

For years now, I've always thought, always believed, that the only reason I had to be alive, was so that I could suffer. It's like I'm the punchline to some cosmic joke; like the only reason I have such a complete and total dissbeliefe in god and religion, is because I'm trapped in hell, and it'll be that much more fun to whoever runs things when I find out that my beliefs are wrong, and that once more everything I believe in and everything I trusted is pulled out from under my feet.

People always say "you have to love yourself before you can love another"

What if you've never really known love? What if you were nothing but hated and unwanted by those around you unless you were helping them, or if you could be used to make them feel better about themselves?

I've always been there for people; for my friends. Like that footsteps in the sand story, whenever someone I know is at their lowest, I help them, I do all in my power to make them better, irregardless of how I may feel or what I may want to do. I've kept people from commiting suicide, more than I can even remember. I've been there to help people too fucked up to get home when they were vulnerable and easily taken advantage of. I've been there at the lowest times in the people I'd cared about's lives, helping them through and trying to give them something to look forward to.

What do you get rewarded with for that? For being a good, loving person?

You get stabbed in the back by the friends you kept from killing themselves. You get thrown out like a garbage bag when you have a problem and need help. When you confess something to the person you love about something in your past that's been haunting you for years and dissgusts you about yourself, looking for someone to help make you feel better, someone to talk to, to give you the same kind of hope that you try to give them, they turn on you and want to walk away; they turn and want to go throw away everything you've tried to build up and help them with.

And you're the kind of idiot who puts all of your problems and worries aside to follow them and make sure they don't go and do something stupid.

All of my life, I've been there for people when they've been at their worst, the lowest they could possibly get, when they've needed someone to be there for them more than ever before, because I never want anyone to feel like I feel; alone, unwanted, useless, hated, rejected.

can't love myself, because I've never felt loved without having a back turned towards me when I need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to me, a hug when I need one. I'm always the one that's there for people, the one that's strong, the one that helps people out and cheers them up when they need it, and when I need the help, when I'm vulnerable and desperate, it's like people don't believe me that I could possibly need help. Like I'm so strong for them, that I can't be human and weak, just like they are.

I've spent so much of my life being strong for others so that they wouldn't feel unwanted and alone like me, that I don't know how to be strong for myself anymore. I *can't* be strong for myself anymore.

Can't love myself for who I am, because I've never felt worth loving.

When I need someone the most, all I ever get is rejected, walked away on, or used and manipulated. So I lock it all away. I isolate myself, I stop trying to show emotion, stop trying to feel, to love, to care.

So many times I wish I could just kill myself to end everything. I just want all the pain, all the sadness, all the empty and nothing that I am to go away. But I can't do it. I want to die, but I don't want to die alone. I don't want to die un-loved.

It's an interesting paradox, when the only reason you have left to live, is because you're looking for a reason to live. I want to die because I'm so alone, but I don't want to die alone. I want to die because of how insignificant I feel, but I don't want to die insignificant.

microcosm

intrinsically twisted;
vines - my mind,
elvish brain.

fairies neurotransmitting;
molecular agency
secret selves.

my body is a comedy;
infinite actors
a colorful chaos.

even my dealer tells me that i'm always smiling.

grasshopper legs;
synchronicity technology
absurd and real.

i don't know any doctors and i feel better.

urban rainforest;
third eye probable
city of my mind.

Realization

What do you do when you realize that this may be it?

You make up scenarios in your head to make it ok and make the next year seem tolerable but what if these predictions dont happen?

Maybe it is time to actually see the bad and not only the 2 percent of good.

Maybe it is time to take a stand and not deal with constant lies and deception.

Maybe it is time to stand by my morals and follow every rule I used to follow rather than continue to break every rule I once held sacred.

I judge others on their actions but allow a certain one to affect my life with his absolute disregard of consequence or feeling.

Maybe it is time to use everything I have and be strong, and maybe I just realized it.

Proof

Proof.

I guess that is all I needed.

Without solid evidence nothing really is real.

It all exists in imagination until it is presented in real form before your eyes.

Without proof excuses can be made.But what now?

What do I do? What do I say? Why is all of this so hard?

At least I see that everything I ever believed was a lie and some people cant be trusted and never ever change, ever.Its a shame really.

I guess everyone has at least one heart ache in their lives.

Maybe, this is mine.

Whitby

As I rushed to my Mathematics class I ran into an old high school class mate Aniket.

Out of my graduating class he was the only other person I had hung out with that went to spmeone.

We never even hung out once in University.

Today he was standing with another old high school mate, the likes of Ishita.

We had never been friends but shared friends.

The fake tanned headed, faked nailed ex bitch seemed shocked to see me.

This encounter made me realize just how different I am to how I was.

I think this is a good thing but I know some people beg to differ.

It just seems like not too long ago I was sitting in the caf during spare at Harsh eating burger after burger.

Has it really been three years since I wore a uniform?

Three years since I searched the halls for a Bird sighting?omg.

Time does fly. Why is there not enough time to do everything we want?

Why are we cursed with the necessity to sleep?

Why haven't I been productive with my youth.

Maybe I am just destined to feel unsatisfied always.

Or Maybe iam just a Loser.

Changing a person

Is it possible to teach someone how to love you? Is it possible how to successfully train someone to be your friend? The answer to these questions should, and most of the time is; you shouldnt have to make someone treat you better, either they will or they wont. I agree but most people I come across dont pay me the same coutesys and considerations that I pay them. Move on I'm told. Where exactly? I really dont know. To another place to find just more of these people? It seems I have lost, or rather they lost, the three more important people in my life besides my family. ****, Nick and *******. Its not their fault. I have my expectations which I base on my own actions, and when they are not met I feel let down, usually followed by these people moving further and further away. Even though you can't choose who you love, you also can't make people love you and that hurts even more.

Two Hearts

All through growing up I always thought that I would find that person at a young ago and live happy forever.

Thing are never that simple it seems.

I went through a phase of not caring about long term because you can never tell what lies around the next corner.

This is so true but I can't help wanting to feel close to certain people for long priods of time.

I have always struggled with having different parts of me appealing to different people.

I have reached that point once again but this time it is strong on both sides.

I love***** with all my blind heart and I love Nick with all that's left of my youth.

It's like I want to be two different people so I can be with both of them.

Doesn't matter anyways, I've lost them both, one due to his blindness and fear and the other because of his fear of happiness and the hurtful words of my best friend.

I know I'll move on eventually but right now even moving is work.

Snow Globe

Do you ever feel like you are standing outside of your life and watching it or how you wish it would be?

I see my life one way and I stare at it in a snow globe placed in my cupped hands.

Everything seems so pleasant, just the way I like it. Really this is not my life.

Not even comparable. I am grateful for all the things I have and all the experiences I've encountered but is inner happiness even fully attainable?

I know I have come a long way from my days in grade 10 of daily tears but I just long for completion.

I remind myself that life is not a goal with a prize at the end, it's a journey to enjoy along the way.

It feels like I am waiting and working for something that I'm already blind to.

Maybe in my dreams I will shake the globe so things don't seem so perfect after all.

Trust

How is one to know?

Everyone has lied about things before, some more serious than others.

When it comes to relationships I dont think I have made the best decisions I could have.

I know I've been better than alot of people I know, at least I can say that.

I believe in the stength in monogomy, and want to prove to myself that I can handle that responsibility of resisting temptation.

I want someone to believe I can do something without a shadow of a doubt in their minds.

I've slipped up in the past to get something I dreamt about for so long.

I try to lie to myself and say it never really was bad technically due to situation but its not true. I was no better than the next infidel.

I just want to live up to the ideals I expect from everyone else.

I want to trust someone to trust me.